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December 29, 2005
The realization that my life is being decided for me as I let the seconds slip by.
I saw Viv, if very briefly, a couple of days ago. And she alluded to looking to grad schools, becuase I assume she is graduating early, how early though, I am not quite sure. Anyway, my mind has been wandering around that a bit and the Louis Armstrong song 'Do You Know What it Means (To Miss New Orleans)' gets me all twisted up in a knot everytime I listen to it. And that led me to the reality of 'WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE' problem.
I have these conflicting ideas of what I'm going to do with my life in regards to my career, but in some ways, it is more important to me as to where I'm living. I've come to the point where I almost truly scorn the North and everything it stands for--the kidding and joking is wearing thin. Yet, if I'm intending to do this whole 'vegan chef' thing, I'll end up going to the Natural Gourmet in NYC, because that's essentially the only place that has a solid vegetarian repetoire; after working at Lebanon's Cafe, I truly know I cannot cut-up any animal, no matter how disemboweled it already is. Or, if I go to grad school or law school, the only place I could do it would be Tulane (blech.) or Loyola. Loyola seems like a pretty good choice, especially because of the Jesuit identity (oh little Jewish girl in the South, how cracked out are you?), which in my eyes is one of those aspects of Christianity that I do admire very much. But... even so, Loyola isn't the most fabulous choice I could make.
My problem is very basic--I don't want to leave the South. And by that I mean, I don't want to leave New Orleans possibly ever, but if not that, possibly for a very very long time. My immediate response to, 'Do You Know What it Means' tonight was to think, "Wouldn't it be lovely to get married to this song?" And then my second thought was, "Oh, I could only marry someone who was really as in love with New Orleans as I am--I would never want to leave this city for anything." and we slowly digress into me wanting to be a baby-machine to some old Cajun family. But that's another story.
So. What the fuck am I going to do? Am I going to feel like I never got on with my life, which is a terrible consequence of New Orleans folk staying in New Orleans? I can only think of Mike, my waiter co-obsession love object, who was filling out his papers to go to grad school at numerous different places, all of which exist Somewhere Else. And it was just awful, that feeling. The idea that this person is leaving this city, my life, and going to Somewhere Else that just isn't New Orleans. Will I ever get to a place where I will feel like it's time to move on? Where the bad outweighs the good? When will I get bored of strolling downtown, the oddities, going to bars to talk with friends, chatting up strangers in weird situations, buying groceries for canvas bags and the awful ride back home?
Posted by jay at 1:48 AM
December 27, 2005
New Orleans
Oh geez,
I am ready to go back home.
Posted by jay at 2:02 AM
December 23, 2005
Women rappers
If I haven't expressed enough already how much I like alternet and how I usually forget about it's existence for several weeks at a time, maybe you should look into it now. I am pleased with it's continually progressive attitude, especially after I was listening to NPR recently and heard a Sodexho "commercial" on air. Anyways, alternet is the website, but the article I read today was How To Sell a Stereotype, by Lisa Katayama from Bitch Magazine. Bitch is also a semi-ok feminist magazine, but I would say go read Off Our Backs waaay before you read Bitch.
Anyways. I was trying to solve a "problem" of liking Northern State so much, even though I know most people think I'm ridiculous for liking them. I used Amazon to find something, but instead of being directed towards more female hiphop/rap artists, I was pushed towards more indie rock-esque stuff, which makes me wonder if it is because they're white and not black musicians. The other women hiphop artists I can think of (that I listen/listened to) are Missy Elliot, Princess Superstar, kinda Peaches, Lauryn Hill... is there anything else? If so, I can't think of it at 2:19 a.m.
To bring it back, I am watching a vh1 show called 'Hip Hop Honors' and they just did a medley with Salt N Pepa, En Vogue and a bunch of other important women in rap. Now that was really cool, but then they did it with the song that goes 'What a man, what a man, what a mighty fine man' which I know is very famous, but isn't that sick? The background was a slideshow of a bunch of men (maybe famous?) but come on! How can these women who are incredibly important to opening the door to women in hiphop have to get on television and have to slut themselves to men in the end?
This is frustrating. These are all black women who have opened the way for women of all races to take up the mic and they're still being subverted, even as they're being praised for their success. As hiphop has been very... unfriendly to women, to say the least, can't there be some oasis of idealism? Even if it's just a moment.
On a happier note, now I know where to go looking for music.
Posted by jay at 1:07 AM
December 22, 2005
Sick
Man, I forgot what it was like to be sick. I've been hacking up a lung today and I think I can no longer ascribe it to a loud night at a local bar.
Man. I love Livejournal. Recently I got into some stupid fight with a middle-aged woman because she was essentially angry that I had pointed out how stupid her argument was and that I was a vegan, and then therefore worth attacking. Anyways, at the end of the day, it's just really fun, and I am admitting to that unabashedly. If I didn't have livejournal I couldn't read all these crazy communities like the ones I just joined today, including a herbal abortion group and a make-yer-own-damn-pads group.
So now when I read my friends list it is now something like this:
-- OMFAJFOIWJEF I love New Orleannnnns! is there a way that I can help you guys? Should I donate to the red cross? -- I made a vegan stir-fry today! It has tofu, and vegetables and soy sauce in it! I am going to post the recipe! -- I love my vagina -- KILL MEN -- yay curfew is lifted! -- How do you make vegan _____?? --
lather, rinse, repeat.
Anyways. I am feeling pretty beat, but still generally ok to be home in CT for another week and change, even though my brain is faking me out and telling me otherwise. I've been very low-level depressed, but it can all be racked up easily to the uncertainty of my future, the weather, hormones, so otherwise, I am pretty happy.
Posted by jay at 7:02 PM
December 19, 2005
Love interest
my new love interest: the cephalopod.
Posted by jay at 2:27 AM
December 16, 2005
Sometimes I really feel cheated out of some happy middle-class American life. Seriously. In a 'dammit, why aren't my facebook photos so cute and adorable?' I think I'm lying to myself about all this, and I think it's embarrassing, to boot.
Posted by jay at 12:35 AM
December 15, 2005
If I were an artist, that would give me an excuse to be anti-social.
Posted by jay at 10:46 PM
Seeking:
Radical female friend. If you feel more angry and fed up and want to hit something with a baseball bat, I would like to be your friend! I am done with people who don't get it, who don't give a shit, who don't realize that they have everything to lose if they think they only have some things to gain. If this speaks to you:
Ten short years of progressive change, fifty fucking years of calling us names. Can we trade title nine for an end to hate crime? RU-486 if we suck your fucking dick? One step forward, five steps back. One cool record in the year of rock-rap. Yeah we got all the power getting stabbed in the shower and we got equal rights on ladies night. Feminists we're calling you. Please report to the front desk. Let's name this phenomenon. It's too dumb to bring us down. F.Y.R. Fifty years of ridicule. F.Y.R. take another picture. . . . . Mrs. Doubtfire on mother's day. On-the-job stalker for equal pay. Toss us a few new AIDS drugs as national healthcare bites the dust. While you were on vacation black people didn't get reparations. You know these days no one's exploited. Sorry dude can't hear ya with my head in the toilet. Feminists we're calling you. Please report to the front desk. Let's name this phenomenon. It's too dumb to bring us down. F.Y.R. Fifty years of ridicule. F.Y.R. take another picture. . . . . . You've really come a long way baby. It's you, not the world, that's totally crazy. Cuz we really rocked the fuckin vote with election fraud in poor zip codes. Celebrate gay marriage in Vermont by enforcing those old sodomy laws. One step foreward five steps back. We tell the truth they turn up the laugh track. Feminists we're calling you. Please report to the front desk. Let's name this phenomenon. It's too dumb to bring us down.
Let's be friends.
Posted by jay at 12:49 AM
December 13, 2005
Smoking
I keep wishing I was a smoker, so I could sit out on the steps outside my room and smoke, because I can't really think of anything else to do out there, so occasionally I will unlock the door, look outside wistfully and open and close the screen door a couple of times. Today I did this and put out some cat treats, and to my surprise, an anole jumped off the inside of the screen door onto the tree. I wish I had a pet.
I looked through people's livejournals tonight and remembered how much I love all of these people, even when they make me mad or frustrated.
Posted by jay at 1:06 AM
www.renewcomb.org
www.renewcomb.org
pass it on!
Posted by jay at 12:55 AM
President of NOW
Tonight I sent an email to the President of NOW, begging her to help us save Newcomb. God, I hope she responds.
Posted by jay at 12:17 AM
December 12, 2005
Meditation
Sometimes I wish I could meditate in a very dada way, where the 'oms' and poses are replaced with guttural Tourette's of 'blah-blah-blaaaaaaah's and 'ughhhhh-fuck-this.'
I am just so tired and beat to the ground. I feel so old, and maybe that's why I'm finally getting into all these bars without a problem--the fact that I no longer disclaimer my age to the people I go out with (if they don't know already). Blahhhhhhhhhhhhh-I-feel-so-old-old-old.
I want to be alone but surrounded by people--no one is filling/fixing these personal voids/failures and that type of indie rock that makes you feel like you're anticipating the beginning of the world just makes me want to drop-kick something. The same goes for those quiet love songs and those old-folky anticipatory love songs or any combination thereof.
This shit just needs to stop happening to me. I need to stop expecting people to accept a radical agenda, because I find that I resent people most for their inability to get basic things, and I'm not talking like crazy separatist shit, but just things like decency, equality, humanity, etc.
I would like Michael to call, because I think he still finds me interesting and not so crazy. I don't think going home and dealing with my psycho mother will help me feel better, either.
I bought some cat treats today at the supermarket so hopefully the white neighborhood cat will eat them and perhaps become my outdoor pet friend. I don't want to make it dependent on me, but I would like to have a friendly cat to pet once and a while. I think my relationship with this cat is analogous for what I really desire right now.
Posted by jay at 9:54 PM
December 9, 2005
Newcomb Protest
If you're in the area and want to protest with me, I'm going to go on Monday and protest against the dissolving of Newcomb College. Drop me an email at jleslie@optonline.net with a phone number if I don't have it already.
Posted by jay at 12:26 PM
December 7, 2005
Christmas
Dec 17th to Jan 3rd.
Posted by jay at 2:59 AM
December 6, 2005
Lester Lefton
Today at work (Lebanon's) the Dean of Architecture came in with a mysterious unknown man. As I was putting this mysterious unknown man's credit card through the machine, I realized that this man was Lester Lefton! the Provost of Tulane. I am still not sure what it means to be Provost, but he is it, and it is a big, important male job. Under the guise of refilling his water, I went up to him afterwards and basically gave him the five minute 'Here is why you should get rid of Sodexho' schpiel. He was pretty respectful of it, especially considering I was just hijacking them as my customers to listen to what I had to say, but I have a feeling he doesn't care much.
That was my good, little, mini-righteous deed for the day.
Posted by jay at 5:01 PM
December 5, 2005
If only I were ambitious.
Some days I wish I was more ambitious. I secretly entertain the notion that more people read here than actually do, and I also still have some God-complex in which I'm going to save the world, which I am. Anyway.
Here are my suggestions for tomorrow:
Don't be a hypocrite--live up to your idealism.
Recognize your idealism--find your personal truths.
What is wrong is wrong, we shouldn't tolerate it.
If you are a woman, here are some extra suggestions:
-Consider joining the Feminist High Command and starting a chapter in your area.
Things you should prepare to do to become a member of the Feminist High Command:
-Accept your role as High Commander.
-Finding an attractive party dress/suit and/or white gloves. The Feminist High Command accepts all types of semi-formal/formal/business attire as your right to choose and how to represent yourself.
-Find some booze. The Feminist High Command does not support alcoholism, but does support enjoyment, especially the enjoyment of the company of your Sister High Commanders. We also support the straight-edge community and suggest fun and exotic non-alcoholic drinks.
-Find your fellow High Commanders and congregate in public places to show just how righteously fed up you are with the current status quo, and how you just damn refuse to put up with anymore of this nonsense.
-Induct more intelligent, strong, bold and raucous women to join the Feminist High Command.
yrs truly
ms. jennifer leslie
feminist high commander
coniferous post
new orleans
Posted by jay at 11:38 PM
December 3, 2005
http://www.demaction.org/dia/organizations/GRN//campaign.jsp?campaign_KEY=1521
Posted by jay at 3:12 AM