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December 12, 2005


Sometimes I wish I could meditate in a very dada way, where the 'oms' and poses are replaced with guttural Tourette's of 'blah-blah-blaaaaaaah's and 'ughhhhh-fuck-this.'

I am just so tired and beat to the ground. I feel so old, and maybe that's why I'm finally getting into all these bars without a problem--the fact that I no longer disclaimer my age to the people I go out with (if they don't know already). Blahhhhhhhhhhhhh-I-feel-so-old-old-old.

I want to be alone but surrounded by people--no one is filling/fixing these personal voids/failures and that type of indie rock that makes you feel like you're anticipating the beginning of the world just makes me want to drop-kick something. The same goes for those quiet love songs and those old-folky anticipatory love songs or any combination thereof.

This shit just needs to stop happening to me. I need to stop expecting people to accept a radical agenda, because I find that I resent people most for their inability to get basic things, and I'm not talking like crazy separatist shit, but just things like decency, equality, humanity, etc.

I would like Michael to call, because I think he still finds me interesting and not so crazy. I don't think going home and dealing with my psycho mother will help me feel better, either.

I bought some cat treats today at the supermarket so hopefully the white neighborhood cat will eat them and perhaps become my outdoor pet friend. I don't want to make it dependent on me, but I would like to have a friendly cat to pet once and a while. I think my relationship with this cat is analogous for what I really desire right now.

Posted by jay at December 12, 2005 9:54 PM