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December 29, 2005

The realization that my life is being decided for me as I let the seconds slip by.

I saw Viv, if very briefly, a couple of days ago. And she alluded to looking to grad schools, becuase I assume she is graduating early, how early though, I am not quite sure. Anyway, my mind has been wandering around that a bit and the Louis Armstrong song 'Do You Know What it Means (To Miss New Orleans)' gets me all twisted up in a knot everytime I listen to it. And that led me to the reality of 'WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE' problem.

I have these conflicting ideas of what I'm going to do with my life in regards to my career, but in some ways, it is more important to me as to where I'm living. I've come to the point where I almost truly scorn the North and everything it stands for--the kidding and joking is wearing thin. Yet, if I'm intending to do this whole 'vegan chef' thing, I'll end up going to the Natural Gourmet in NYC, because that's essentially the only place that has a solid vegetarian repetoire; after working at Lebanon's Cafe, I truly know I cannot cut-up any animal, no matter how disemboweled it already is. Or, if I go to grad school or law school, the only place I could do it would be Tulane (blech.) or Loyola. Loyola seems like a pretty good choice, especially because of the Jesuit identity (oh little Jewish girl in the South, how cracked out are you?), which in my eyes is one of those aspects of Christianity that I do admire very much. But... even so, Loyola isn't the most fabulous choice I could make.

My problem is very basic--I don't want to leave the South. And by that I mean, I don't want to leave New Orleans possibly ever, but if not that, possibly for a very very long time. My immediate response to, 'Do You Know What it Means' tonight was to think, "Wouldn't it be lovely to get married to this song?" And then my second thought was, "Oh, I could only marry someone who was really as in love with New Orleans as I am--I would never want to leave this city for anything." and we slowly digress into me wanting to be a baby-machine to some old Cajun family. But that's another story.

So. What the fuck am I going to do? Am I going to feel like I never got on with my life, which is a terrible consequence of New Orleans folk staying in New Orleans? I can only think of Mike, my waiter co-obsession love object, who was filling out his papers to go to grad school at numerous different places, all of which exist Somewhere Else. And it was just awful, that feeling. The idea that this person is leaving this city, my life, and going to Somewhere Else that just isn't New Orleans. Will I ever get to a place where I will feel like it's time to move on? Where the bad outweighs the good? When will I get bored of strolling downtown, the oddities, going to bars to talk with friends, chatting up strangers in weird situations, buying groceries for canvas bags and the awful ride back home?

Posted by jay at December 29, 2005 1:48 AM